Failure to Thrive
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1/21/2014 9:47 AM
I too have struggled with depression and feelings of failure for 3 years now. My husband and I have been trying to have our first child and we decided to do an IUI back in September but it didn't work. I'm currently doing my second IUI and it's scheduled for Friday and we are praying that no matter what happens God will get the glory.

During these three years, it's been a long tough journey. Every month when I wasn't pregnant I did feel like a failure and I grew deeper and deeper into depression. I felt that God didn't love me and why is He punishing me? No one understood and I was pretty good at hiding it, except to my husband. I would cry every month for days and be depressed and not wanting to go or do anything. I would see my friends all getting pregnant and I grew bitter and angry at God.

It wasn't until this summer that God began changing me. When you pray Lord, change me, He does! I was finally so tired and frustrated with trying to control and do everything, I finally surrendered it to the Lord. I had been a Christian since I was a little girl and I knew God loved me, but now I KNOW God loves me and He loves you too! My prayer is that all women dealing with infertility know that God loves them so much. He is not angry at you, He is not punishing you, He has a greater plan that we don't know.

The Bible says that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose. I truly believe that in my life. Looking back over the last 3 years, I can honestly say I wasn't ready to have a child. I thought I was, but God knew I wasn't and I praise Him for not letting me get pregnant at that time. You see, He has a plan if we just trust and rely on Him. It's hard and I don't have this all figured out and I don't know what will happen in my future, but I know that nothing is impossible with God.

I want to leave you with this. Start a thanksgiving journal and every day write down 3 things you are thankful for. This has changed my life and way of thinking because when I start thinking those negative thoughts of failure, defeat, discouragement, I stop immediately and turn my focus off of me and unto the things God has blessed me with.

I know it's hard and I struggle right alongside of you. I just take it a day at a time and not focus on the past or worry about the future. When we let Jesus pour His healing power into our lives, His love flows into our pain and cleanses the wounds from our past. As we come to know God and fully rely on His love for us, we stop allowing the past to determine our future. I am praying for you and all the other women on this forum that God would reign down His love on you today.

1/2/2014 3:34 PM
BasenjiMama, I can so relate to ur post. It's hard, if you find any relief let me know. I just wanna give up. Noone understands. Except for us on here, my friends listen and tell me to call them if I need to talk but that's all they can do is listen. Gonna be doing the Follistin shots soon, trying to stay calm but I'm so nervous it won't work, not covered by our insurance. Ouch

1/2/2014 1:12 PM
My infertility experience has been really different from yours, so I can't pretend to know a lot of what you are going through. It sounds like you've been through countless procedures and unknowns. I hate that part. The part where you are just guessing, and waiting, and testing and trying more.

You must be so exhausted.

What i can relate to is the depression. After we did IVF for the first time and it didn't work, I sunk very deep into a depression. I really felt like everything was happening slower and I couldn't process things very well. I lost interest in other things.

I wish I had an answer for you. I just hope you know you aren't the only one, and that I understand how frustrating it is to hear from others to stop stressing. It is so stressful. Everything about this is stressful.

And I don't think God is telling you something... as in that you aren't meant to carry kids. You are. We all are. Sometime s things happen for other reasons.

We did IVF again this November and it didn't work again. I am doing better than I did the last time, though still not great. Mostly just tired of this whole thing. I hope for you that you will find strength in your partner and in God. But just know that depression does pass.

I've loved this quote from Tuesdays with Morrie since I read it in high school, over a decade ago:

“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability... But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie

I think sometimes you just have to live in the depths of it and feel it all and let the pain/suffering/stress/frustration/anger immerse you. Then you can move on.

12/6/2013 10:54 AM

We are on a two month break presently. So far we have done six cycles of clomid, I've had laprosopic surgery to remove stage two endometriosis, then we have done three cycles of Femera, the last one included a Pregnyl trigger shot. My doctor wants to do one more IUI, she's prescribed Gonal-F with a Pregnyl Trigger and ultrasound monitoring for January. The problem, she says, is endometriosis and she's only given us a fifteen percent chance of success. I want to remain hopeful, I really do, but the depression is just crippling me.

I've tried talking to family, my mother told me that this was "maybe God's way of telling me something" and that " I've never seen you having kids, you should just adopt." No one in my very large family (my grandmother had twenty pregnancies and sixteen children) has ever experienced this before and neither has anyone in my husbands family.

My husband just keeps telling me to have faith, that we will have a baby. I'm stressing to much, everyone tells me "just stop stressing". But how do you stop stressing when a baby is the one thing you want more than anything in the world? I'm so depressed, I cry at the job of a hat, I have no appetite, no interest in really anything anymore. This is not me and I know it isn't me but it's like I have no control over it and everyone expects me just to be happy and smiling and hopeful.

How do you all cope with all these feelings? Anyone?
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