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3/15/2009 10:27 PM
I just found this website tonight and am already thankful. My husband and I are starting our first FET tomorrow after a failed fresh cycle. The combined stress of the medical protocol as well as the financial piece are getting to be so hard at times. I have two friends who have been through IVF and that is helpful, but they both have babies and I am still without one. I have tried to talk to my friends who don't have fertility issues, but I find that they don't know what to say or how to understand what I'm going through. Unfortunately, I'm finding that when going through an IVF cycle, that is all I Have to talk about. My life is consumed with treatment, but then I don't want to talk about it. I have never felt so many emotions before! It is nice to talk with some ladies who can relate to what I'm going through. There aren't any local support groups where I live and I definitely think that would be helpful.

3/15/2009 9:33 PM
Hi Ladybug and Everyone,

It's occurred to me that one minute, I feel really low and sad (and need comforting), and the next minute, it's me doing the comforting or giving advice on this website. I guess that's what makes this forum so helpful and therapeutic. We can go from getting support, to giving support, back and forth, etc. So some days, I'm needing advice, and some days, I'm giving advice. This helps me tremendously.

I have mentioned before that my older sister is the only one who knows we went thru IVF. We've told no one else. So it's been hard because it's just me and my husband, trying to deal with everything. My sister did ask me if I would consider speaking with a counselor, and I said I wouldn't be opposed to it. I haven't decided if I will do that, but it was a great suggestion. It also helps that my sister calls me often to check in and see how I'm feeling and how I'm doing. She can't solve anything and doesn't really try, but it does help that she checks in on me. Ladybug, it's great that your best friend is there for you. I would suggest you lean on her for some support. I couldn't get by without my sister. Some days, I'll text her and just say, "I'm sad," and she'll send me a few words of encouragement, which really help.

I'm not finished with my goal to become a parent, so I can't give up. I know I need to get more positive again. I do feel a little better each day. I will admit, it's hard to be around parents with young children or babies. I'm not looking forward to Easter, when we usually visit some friends and hang with their family members. There's an adorable grandbaby in the bunch and I don't think I could bear to go this year. I'll probably let my husband know how I feel. I think it could affect me very badly. I'm having a hard time being around babies at the moment.

3/15/2009 10:52 AM
Hope55 - I know your pain, my husband and I have been trying for about 2 1/2 years now. I've always wanted kids since, well, since forever. In high school I had it all planned out, I'd get married at a certain age, have this many kids, this many boys and this many girls (like we can pick what we want). I never thought I'd be 38 and stressing about whether or not I will ever have a family and feeling like time is running out. But I KNOW I still have time. . . But I suggest trying to think positive thoughts and just wait and see what happens. Technology is so much more advanced than when our parents were having children. I'm keeping positive thoughts for me and my husband and I suggest you do the same for you and your husband. Yes, I don't think guys take this all to heart as much as we do. I think women have more of that want to have a family instinct than a man does, which I guess is ok, however, guys just don't feel things the same as we do, which makes it hard for them to relate to us I guess. Keep in the faith and let me know how it goes.

3/14/2009 11:58 PM
This is the first time I am trying something like this, but you are right, there isn't a lot of people you can talk to that really understand what you are going through. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years. Our issue is low sperm count, and the doctors said the only way we can get pregnant is to try IVF. We started our first IVF cycle last October, it failed and the doctor told us that I had bad eggs and there is an 80% chance that we can't have a baby. It was devastating, I cried for weeks. Than one of my husband's friend suggested that we try a different doctor, we went in for a consultation and loved this doctor and their facility. She gave us hope and said that it is possible for the doctors to make a good egg bad, but it is not possible for them to make a bad egg good, she felt that I was over stimulated. We signed up for the 3 cycle plus in hopes to achieve success. I am worried because the doctors are going to be retrieving my eggs on Monday. I am scared that it would be true that my eggs is bad, I have all kinds of thoughts that is swimming in my head right now and no one who really understand to talk to. Don't get me wrong, my husband is extremely supportive, but sometimes a guys mind is just plain different than a girls. I am praying that this will be successful..................

3/14/2009 7:12 PM
Hi. This is my first entry. Reading all of your stories has been therapeutic for me. This forum may be my saving grace as I don't have any friends or family that have had fertility issues and have had to go to the extremes as we all have. I've been having a difficult time accepting what has happened. I got pregnant with my first IVF cycle in January, pregnant with twins (of course, very excited about that!). . . I had an u/s at 7 weeks (February 18) and we found out that both babies had stopped developing, both sacks were the size of 5 week sacks (instead of 7 week size). I had a d & e (pretty much the same as a d&c) on February 23. I am so emotional and no one understands. My best friend is the only one that has been through a miscarriage so she understands how I feel. But my family and my in laws are clueless. . . don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for their sake that they have never gone through this. But this leaves my options limited as to where to turn for support and venting my feelings. My husband and I are both so sad and he has been my shoulder to cry on. I feel guilty because I feel as though I need to be there for him, but I can barely even get through a day without crying or feeling so sad and empty inside that I don't even want to go out, I don't want to do anything but sit at home. I have to force myself to go to work and feel as though I am putting on an act all day just to get through the work day. I get home and I turn into this sad couch potato. I just cannot figure out how to accept and move forward. I know not much time has passed since the m/c and time will heal, but when will that be. I'm sure my hormones aren't back to normal yet, who knows when that will be and I'm sure that's not helping the way I'm feeling right now. Does anyone have any advice on how to move forward? Any thoughts or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

3/13/2009 9:29 PM
GirlAtHeart - Thank you for sharing. It is never easy to open up - at least for me. I have learned and changed so much in the past year. One thing that helped me after the first cycle was actually Oprah's live webcast of the book, 'A New Earth' I can't say quite what in the book hit home but it really made a ton of sense to me to live in the moment and enjoy each day. I began to enjoy simple things in life again versus focusing on what I didn't have (a baby). After the second cyle and miscarriage, I was actually just too busy to think about it all...the day of my miscarriage, I was volunteering at a golf outing and we had a friend of my husband's in town. I tried to pretend that everything was all right but then a friend of mine was so excited to finally tell me that she was pregnant. In doing the math, she was due one week after when I was originally due....thankfully I was able to leave shortly thereafter and break down at home. Looking back, I really think pretending all was alright is what took me so long to be myself again. It wasn't until I really slowed down and did what I wanted to do, and focused on myself that made the difference. Months later I also had a very long and open discussion with my husband. I told him that even though we have the frozen embryos, I didn't know how much more I could go through. Emotionally and physically I was so drained. I really opened up to him and at the same time started focusing on myself with eating right and exercising again. Probably about a month later, we were cooking dinner and all of a sudden I just stopped and realized I was happy again. I was once again enjoying the simple pleasure of cooking with my husband - talking about our days or politics or whatever the topic may have been. When I told my husband that I was happy, he was so excited for me and said it was a very big step from where I had been. Stay strong and remember to follow your passions that you had before your life became all about ttc.

3/13/2009 9:22 PM
After all I've been through, I've starting doing something that at first I found hard to do: Praying for Thanks.

I was flipping through channels and came across one of those televangelist shows. It was a woman who was preaching and she said we needed to stop asking for things in our prayers and start just giving thanks when we pray, to just be grateful.

That's a bit of a hard one for me, because I've always used prayer to ask for more strength, or to help others. I've never really outright asked God for something for myself, but with everything we've been dealing with, I decided a while back to just start asking God for a baby. And now here's this woman on TV saying I needed to thank God, not bombard him with requests.

Well, even though I agree with her - we need to say thanks, I'm still praying for a child. I don't see anything wrong with leaning on God to get me through. But -- I will also say that her sermon about being grateful was a reminder/wake-up call. I have been reminding myself to be more grateful for everything. I've been letting God know.

Just sharing again...

3/13/2009 9:06 PM
Isn't that the truth! As I started to read the posts, I couldn't help but think 'Oh my gosh, I have lelt that same way! I am not alone!' Plus I like being able to pray for all of you as I feel like my prayers are constantly about my own situation...and starting to feel a bit selfish.

3/13/2009 2:07 AM
Oh it's really good to know We aren't alone in this Quest! Thanks for sharing your stories it really helps to know others are having a tuff time in this ttc battle. Best of luck to all of you and P.U.S.H . (pray until something happens)

3/12/2009 10:16 PM
Hi Jhoppi,

Something you said really hit me. You said it took you a long time to truly be yourself again. That's what I fear the most...having this really affect me and change me for good. That feeling of "I will never be the same" is very present.

It's sort of like when someone passes away. A person can get so wrapped up with grief, they forget about those still living.

I'm really trying hard to pretend to be better. It's actually helping some. I'm still a little up and down. Now, I'm having more good days than bad ones, but it's still hard.

Anyway, just sharing. I guess it makes all of us feel less alone.


Angela - How are you doing?

3/12/2009 9:51 PM
Angela - I am so sorry to hear about your loss! My last cycle ended in a miscarriage and it is so devastating. I agree with GirlAtHeart that you have to think about doing other things...otherwise you end up a mopey mess on the couch (or was that just me 6 months ago (: ) However, you should only do things you like to do....take walks, plant flowers, read a book, watch your favorite movie - I found a sappy one works best because then I feel like I have a different reason to cry!! It took me a long time to truly be myself again after the miscarriage but the good thing was that I eventually did gain back a sense of normalcy. Take care and I will be praying for you.

3/9/2009 12:39 PM
Icgl - Please keep us posted. This is great! Three is a good (high) number to transfer, my clinic would only do two embryos.


Angela - Sorry to hear about your news. I got the same news this past Monday. It's been a difficult week; some days I'm fine, others I'm not. The slightest thing can get me crying. And those hormones running through your body don't help matters either.

I've been trying to return to normal activities even though I haven't felt like it. This weekend, I planted some wildflowers on our land and it was very therapeutic to not focus on myself for a change. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely sad - Although I feel so desperate and yes - devastated - I just have to pick myself back up and keep going.

It would definitely be a good idea to check in with your clinic to know exactly that they are thinking. Definitely ask them and get copies of your paperwork. I say this, because after the fact, I get the feeling that my clinic was so busy, that we fell through the cracks a little. I just learned that my husband's sperm may have been a factor in the failure. This would be the second time we used his sperm. WHEN were they going to tell me this? I wish they would have mentioned it the first time around, because we may very well have used donor sperm. (And yes, I am angry and disappointed about that point and let them know.) No one gave us this information, therefore, the choice was made for us instead of us making the choice.

You probably have a great clinic, but my point is, definitely ask all the questions. For me, it's better if they talk in words vs. percentages.

Icgl says she is "cautiously optimistic." That means she has hope. As long as you have hope, there IS hope...and there is a way. For me, it might not come to us in the conventional way or plan, but my husband and I will get there and be parents together.

Good luck and keep us posted.

3/7/2009 6:36 PM
Girlatheart, This is not our first try at this clinic. Last time we had 17 day 3 embryos, but all but one was grade 3 with 5 or 6 cells. Today we had an 8 cell!! grade 2 and two 7 cell grade 2's. I'm cautiously optimistic. We've all had it come down to some variation of that one crushing sentence-- "you're not pregnant" so many times that it's hard to allow yourself much optimism, but I do feel good about this one.

3/7/2009 6:31 PM
Angela, I'm so sorry. This whole process sucks so bad.

3/6/2009 4:02 PM
Well on Monday my preg test was positive with a Hcg level of 44 on wed it stayed the same and they said not to worry well today I just got the news that it dropped back down meaning that I'm no longer prego. This is actually the 2nd time this has happened. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I just don't understand why I can't hold onto being pregnant. The doctor said it's considered a recurrent miscarriage and I have a consult with him next week. I'm just so confused!

3/5/2009 11:28 AM
Icgl - Congratulations on 14! -- That's a great number. I'll be thinking of you. Keep us posted. Was this your first try at this clinic?

3/5/2009 11:07 AM
14 fertilized. GROW PLEASE!

3/4/2009 12:24 PM
Retrieval today. 17 eggs. Wish me luck.

3/2/2009 6:02 PM
I'm triggering today for a Wednesday retrieval. Anyone else out there in a similar situation?

I'm so fed up with my fertility clinic. They do a very high volume and the place is a bit of a baby mill. The receptionists are rude, the nurses are rigid, the waits are long, and I can't help but think "I may have paid your entire salary this year" about every snippy person I see there. But I really like the doctors which I guess is most important. My resolve is wearing thin today.

3/2/2009 11:09 AM
On husbands: Yes, they express their concern in different ways from women -- I think that's pretty universal. I will say that I believe my DH hurts just as badly as I do (minus the hormonal influence), but doesn't want me to see it because he's trying to be strong for me. It was most apparent when we had our m/c. I completely broke down right away; he didn't have his version of a break down until 2-3 months later, once he knew I was going to be OK. Kinda sweet, actually.

On roller coasters: Not sure I can add anything to what's already been said. Screaming? Yes. Misunderstood? Yes. Alone? Sometimes, except I'm blessed to have a friend who's been through the whole process before and knows exactly what it's all about. She's even given me a few IM injections to give my DH a break. Indeed, I've been so fortunate to have a small inner circle of friends that, even if they don't and can't understand what this is like (and i hope they never do), listen to me and hold me until I cry all my tears out, or just humor me by talking about anything but babies. Sometimes I find there's only so much support my husband and I can give each other because we're both hurting too much. I am so grateful for the wider support net we have -- I don't think we'd have gotten this far without it.

2/26/2009 12:38 PM
Hello everyone! This is my first time here. I am truly amazed at all of your stories because I can relate to each one. I had my 3rd round of IVF last week and am anxiously awaiting my pregnancy test on Monday. This is the first round we used frozen eggs and 3 were put back in. My previous IVF cycle resulted in a pregnancy that lasted week. I'm trying to be optimistic because at least I got a step further last time. It's just been an emotional roller coaster. It seems like every friend around me has kids or is pregnant. It's hard to be around that. I'm sick of hearing people say "It will happen when the time is right!" All I want to do is scream at them and say easy for you to say because you haven't had to go through this for over 2 years! No one understands what it's like unless they have been through it. Thanks to you all for sharing because I feel like I am not the only one out there struggling with this!

2/25/2009 8:03 PM
Overall, I believe that most husbands are loving and caring. My husband tells me all the time that he loves me and worries about me (because I am so depressed about this baby thing). He may not express very well what he is feeling about not succeeding at the IVF , but deep down I think he is sad too. He even went to the GNC store and came home with male and female fertility blend pills. The sales man told him it would help his sperm mobility and sperm count go up. I know he got "succeed" into this idea, but it was sweet of him to want to do what he could to help. I have asked my husband several times what his thoughts and feelings were about this whole thing and all I get from him ( the majority of the time) is that if we are to have children the Lord will make it happen. That is not the answer I am looking for. All I want to hear is what are is feelings (sad, angry, disappointed etc.) Am I asking to much of him? Does any man just tell what his feelings are and not some " It is up to .... what and whoever?" I have cried many times and he doesn't seem to understand why I am letting this get me down. I love my husband more than life itself and he really is a great man, I just don't understand why he isn't feeling sad and let down, or is he and he doesn't want to say anything?

2/25/2009 12:40 PM
fiorellino - you are lucky that your husband can be that supportive.

My husband does have a feminine side. He hugs his friends, tells his best friend, "I Love You," cries at movies and holds my purse without squirming in public when I ask him to. But he also has that guy side that is very practical and cut & dry. I really wish I knew what he was thinking.

I had mentioned in an earlier post that one night I asked him if he was thinking a lot about our IVF cycle and he said, "No, because it's out of our hands and there's nothing we can do about it." Typical guy comment.

We were out of town over the weekend and for some stupid reason, I asked him again when we were lying in our friend's guest bed if he was thinking a lot about it. His response totally redeemed him:

He said that he wanted me to know that we were in this together and we would be together through it and that he loved me.

So I guess that means the guys do think about it and probably are afraid to let it out sometimes. Maybe because they don't know exactly what to say. Maybe because they are suppose to be the strong one. Who knows.

fiorellino, I think your husband changing his diet is sweet. It's his contribution in some way. Maybe it's weird that we have to do all the work with the medicines and appointments and they have nothing to do.

I also remember that on the day of my mock transfer (where they make sure they can get the catheter in ahead of time), they had to dilate me. Well, I went by myself and my husband did ask if he should come along. I knew he had a busy workday so I just told him no and that I would go by myself.

Well, just as the doctor was finishing up (good timing actually, I don't think my husband needed to watch the dilation, etc.) the door opened and in walked my husband. He rushed over as fast as he could and the nurses actually didn't know which room I was in. Anyway, I really appreciated the fact that he came and felt like he really cared. I know he does, but once in a while, it's good to see visual proof.

Everyone, have a great day!

2/24/2009 6:11 PM
I see from your answers that YES, we are different... a group apart. Even when you had a IVF baby, people have the nerves to be judgemental???
Maybe we DO look at "fertile" people a judging way too? yes, I know I do. My friend met her DH, married him, after 1 year announced to be pregnant and when she was pregnant, she kept taking airplanes almost every 2 weeks for business, fun, family or friends meetings... I was amazed. I told my DH that if I ever get that enormous blessing to be pregnant, I would leave on an egg schel (sp.?) I would be so respectful of my situation that I would avoid any risk... oh well, you all know what I'm talking about, I'm sure.

For the DH situation... mine has a very big feminine side in him. (I still think he is Manly, hot and sexy ;-)
He is very very sensitive and hide his feelings to make sure I don't get stressed out. But I understood from his change in food habit that he was also making his part as he was concern about his sperm (that tested normal every time). So one day he told me: I would like to go eat crab tonight, crab has selenum (?) and is good for sperm. Or: could you look for brazilian nuts, they would be good for me...
So I understood that he was making research and was not feeling very confident, it made me feel so sorry that he wouldn't talk to me about it. When I confronted him, he said he knows how emotional I am over this situation and doesn't want to add anymore stress to me.
He he he, he also changed his underware to something very loose... to keep his "swimmers" cool... heat would be destructive...

2/24/2009 11:12 AM
I'm glad I found this website, too. I live in an area with a lot of fundamentalist fanatics; a few people have actually expressed disapproval when I mentioned that our son was conceived by IVF. I don't really care what the nut cases think, but it's not a warm and welcoming place to share our current battle to get pregnant again.

My history in a nutshell: clomid/IUI x 4 then follistim/IUI x 7 with an HSG, hysteroscopy and laparoscopy in there too ---> no pregnancy and no diagnosis. Then IVF #1 with few scrawny embyos---> failed. Then IVF #2 with 6 good blasts, transferred 2, one baby, now a naughty boy who needs a partner in crime. When our son was 18 months we did FET x 2, but no pregnancy. IVF #3 this summer with many scrawny embryos ----> no pregnancy.

I started IVF #4 stimulation on Sunday. I'm hopeful. Apparently I have a lot of rotten eggs, but this did work for us once. Hopefully there's one more good one in there. I'm only 37, but I guess my ovaries are old souls.

Secondary infertility sucks-- in addition to wanting another baby myself, I feel like I'm failing to provide my son a sibling-- adding a layer of guilt to the emotional complexity. But my heart really goes out to you who are struggling with primary infertility-- because I know that sucks more. I wish with all my heart that you will all find resolution-- hopefully in the form of a baby. Good luck.

2/19/2009 11:46 AM
Dear GirlatHeart.....I am soooooo with you on the husband front.

I have a wonderful husband and he would do anything for me....but most of the time he is oblivious. It is not that he doesn't care or is a jerk...but he lacks that sympathy chromosome.

The week (exactly 7 days) after we lost our little one, my DH announced that he was putting it behind him and that he was done being sad. I was in shock. How does one do that exactly????? But it seems to work for him. I can toss and turn all night and even wake up sobbing from a dream....and he snores on in his oblivious peaceful sleep. Thank goodness I don't wake him! (sarcasm)

So now I use my therapist for my emotional venting. She is very understanding. And she wanted me to start a journal....until she found out that I was finding solace on this web site. She thinks it is very good for us all to open up in this forum.

BTW.....about my therapist.....Like most companies, we have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that allows us to visit a licensed mental health specialist totally for free! We get (6) visits per issue. This freebie was a welcome find as the IVF bills keep piling up!

2/18/2009 1:57 PM
Cid - I teared up when I read your post. I feel the same way. No one understands if they haven't been through it. We don't have a clinic support group. I just have this group and the Daily Strength website. Both have been tremendously supportive, helpful and therapeutic.

I hate seeing pregnant women. I feel like I stare too long at people's babies in strollers. If I don't get pregnant/get a child, I don't know what I will do. I don't think my husband will be devastated. I asked him last night if he was thinking about it a lot like me and he said, "No. It's out of our hands now and we'll just have to wait and see." I shouldn't have bothered asking him. I just think men might have a different take on it. I don't see him "googling" his brains out for symptoms and information on the internet every chance he gets!

Don't get me wrong, he's not an uncaring jerk. I just think he sees it differently and/or is handling it differently.

Quick interruption for Comic Relief: Wouldn't it be funny if our husbands all belonged to their own forum/chat room? Wouldn't that be something.

I'm blessed that my clinic has one IVF nurse who's the head coordinator. She is so amazingly compassionate. She gives me her opinion and shows her feelings. Last time, when our cycle failed, she told me how disappointed she was, and didn't try to launch into some medical this and that. At that moment, I needed some compassion and humanity and she was there.

This time, she said she's thinking good thoughts and praying for me. What a change to have a medical professional be a real human being!

I am in the middle of my 2ww and have been having some cramping, so I just don't know. I'm scared I might not make it. This is our second try.

All of you have helped me so much. And I just joined this website about a week and a half ago!

Thank you to each and every one of you.

2/17/2009 2:19 PM
This website has also been very helpful to me emotionally. It certainly encourages one to keep going and not give up hope to easily. We only have one family member who knows about our situation so the constant "when are you two going to have children" question is so painful to deal with and respond to with tact. Support groups and counseling can also help - if you can find them in your area.
We are starting injections today for yet another IVF cycle. We have decided this will be our last attempt at IVF as it is just to emotionally and financially draining. Family members have generously offered to donate frozen embryos left from their IVF treatments (anonymous donor eggs and family members sperm) for us to use...we are still considering this option as that opens an entirely new can of worms.

Any thoughts on the issue mentioned above?

Hang in there everyone!

2/16/2009 9:18 PM
finding this web site was a blessing for me. I had lost all hope of ever having a child in my life, and reading about every ones trials has actually given me a little hope again. no one here has actually given up hope for success and that made me realize that I don't have to give up hope either. I can continue to try different options and I have received many insights on where to go and what else I may try. Thank you all for the little light that has been brought back into my life.

2/16/2009 2:16 PM
I am very extrovert...and need to let my feelings out.....but I am struggling with it on a personal level. At this moment, my two best friends are pregnant (one was due within days of our baby). Everything was great until we lost the baby, because now I can hardly stand to be around them. I can't stand to see the pity in their eyes. And my family is just as bad. They cry for me as they don't know how to help me. And casual friends that know of our loss tend to treat me like a defect. And I am soooooooooo tired of the platitudes......"It was God's will"..."It was probably for the best"...."You can always adopt"....."you can try again"....etc.

So for me to share with my retrieval group was just too much. When we found out our little one no longer existed....I left the waiting room and had to walk past all of the same people that I had previously shared happiness with! I just wanted to scream at them because they still had their dream...and mine was gone! So for me....sharing with my retrieval group was probably not a good idea.

The suggestion to check with your doctor is a good idea for finding a local group. You might also try the March of Dimes web site for local groups. I myself sought out internet forums. This website has been, by far, the most helpful. And I am very glad to have it! I don't have to wait for a meeting once a week...I can just log in and immediately feel like I am amongst people that know my pain.

So if you want an IVF buddy.....I'll be here! Just log in!

2/13/2009 5:36 PM
You should ask at your doctor's office - mine has a list of some groups that meet at different restaurants in teh area about once a month just as a support group for each other

2/13/2009 2:40 PM
some of you might have understood from my so-so English that I'm not American, I come from Europe (me: Switzerland and my husband Italy) and I was wondering something. See, where we are from, people, strangers in the doctor waiting room interact much more together than here. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's like feeling people don't mind their own business. But my husband and I are sometimes waiting in the waiting room and we see all these couples, scared, anxious, wondering faces... and we wish to get to know them and share some tips, stories, fun, sadness,.... but we see that nobody even say hi to each other and we don't dare talking to somebody.
But I would like to have an IVF girlfriend because ALL of my friends seem to have no problem at all having babies and NOBODY that has not been through "that" can understand... don't you agree?
...well... we'll see what happen. Anybody has any idea how to meet people in the same situation?
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