40 - First time IVF - Thoughts and Feelings
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40 - First time IVF - Thoughts and Feelings Expand / Collapse
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9/18/2014 10:32 PM
Hello Ladies
Just wanted to update everyone I am on day 5 of stims, go for blood work and my first ultrasound tomorrow, see where I am and find out the plan. I usually stim 10 days, so we shall see. I am doing well, relaxed, hoping I stay this way. If my progesterone spikes before I trigger my RE said he is going to freeze all our embryos and do an FET so he can manage my progesterone. We are also participating in a study where our embryos are monitored constantly by a high power microscope, and computer, so as they divide they are watched more closely and they can determine which ones are more viable.... Figure whatever helps right!!! So that is where we are. Glad everyone is doing well.

9/11/2014 4:23 PM
Hi Ladies ~ Well, I had my first ultrasound this morning. I'm officially 6 weeks along. We were actually able to see and measure a heartbeat, 114. Good and strong. I'm taking a deep breath and starting to feel like this is real. Phew!

Glad to hear updates 2014Mom, Pepsgirl, and Wanttobeamommy!

9/10/2014 11:35 AM
pepsgirl07 and 2014Mom, sounds like you two are doing great! That's awesome news to hear. It must be such a joy to show that baby bump and the babies move! I could hardly wait to reach that moment in time!
For now, it's back to baby steps. I suppose it's better than no steps at all. I changed medical groups and had my Ob visit yesterday. I was referred for the HSG and am awaiting to hear back from the medical group and/or insurance to see if it will be payed for. Thereafter, back to the RE to see what our next step will be.
I wasn't as impressed with the Ob as I was hoping to be. One, he was difficult to understand as he has a very thick middle eastern accent. Secondly, he examined me in about 2 minutes and then we met with him in his office for another 2 minutes. He seemed to be in a hurry. My husband thinks it's because we were there for one thing only, the referral. I think our RE has spoiled us with his time and attention but then again, the RE is cash pay and Ob visit was HMO pay...says a lot!
Anyhow, will keep you posted. cann13...miss ya and know I am thinking of you.

XOXOXO to you all and have a wonderful week!


9/9/2014 6:38 PM
2014MOM: Thank you for checking up on us!!! The twins are doing well, we have our second full anatomical growth scan on Friday to make sure they are still growing well. Yes we are 23 weeks but will be 6 months on Sunday 06/14/2014. It is really hard to believe that much time has gone by, I have been feeling like it has taken so long to get to this point. I have really been feeling them kick lately which is really cool!!!

How far along are you now?? I wish I was just popping out, I have been showing since I was like 12 weeks, but I guess with twins you can expect that. I am glad to hear that you are doing well though. Please continue to keep us posted.

To everyone else I want to say I hope all is going well and that we would love to hear your progress or what is happening with your journeys.

9/9/2014 9:38 AM
Hello ladies,
How is everyone doing?

KanaJoy..how are you doing? Any symptoms? How excited are you?

On my end, I woke up on Saturday and I had popped! I mean everything popped out..as if someone used a plunger to pull things out..my boobs have gone up two cup sizes and my belly is finally starting to show. Anatomy scan is next Tuesday. Staying prayerful.

Pepsgirl07 how are you doing? How far along are you now? 23 weeks? How are the twins?

Wannabeamommy did you manage to get a new OB?

Cann13 it was nice to hear from you, still thinking of you and praying for you always.

9/2/2014 12:26 PM
Good morning, ladies! Hope everyone's holiday weekend was great. Mine was fantastic. My husband and I went to visit my family in Arizona. It was nice to get away and, for the first time in a very long time, I let loose. It's so nice to hear from everyone and to see that everyone is doing well. Congratulations to all the mommies-to-be! Cann13, KanaJoy, 2014Mom, Pepsgirl07... it's good to hear from all of you and know that I often think of you and pray for your well-being.
I'm doing well. There isn't anything new on my end. I decided to make the switch to another medical group to be able to see the OB that my RE has recommended. Unfortunately, this new medical group asks that I get a referral to see the OB. Things are not as easy as I had with my other medical group. I really hate the politics involved with the HMO's. Anyhow, I'm thinking I will probably have to wait on the HSG yet another month. It's ok, I suppose it will give my uterus time to heal more and for us to save a little more to go another round (#5).

Lots of XOXOX's to you, my IVF sisters!

9/2/2014 10:38 AM
Good morning everyone and hope you had a great Labor Day weekend!!!

2014MOM: The twins are doing great!! I am starting to feel kicks a lot more lately, not as much as a woman with a single baby but my doctor said I may not feel as much because there is not a lot of room in there for them to move around. The thing I love the most is that my husband and I every night read them a story and then my husband lays his head on my tummy and talks to them. He says he can hear them griggling and making noise and every once in a awhile they kick him!!! It is such a beautiful moment
I think it is great that you are feeling movement as much as you are, that is best bonding time for you and your husband. Enojy the time and embrace it!!!

KanaJoy: How exciting on the beta test!! I will continue to keep you in my prayers and hope that you keep getting increasing numbers Please keep us posted.

To everyone else, I hope that you are all doing well and continue to keep us posted on what is happening. Everyone is in my prayers and thoughts!!

9/2/2014 9:48 AM
Sorry! My computer decided to post without me being done.

As I said KanaJoy CONGRATS!! I am SO VERY happy for you and your miracle! I know you have been thru so much as we all have. I always love hearing good news from one of my IVF sisters. Please keep us posted and God Bless you and your new little family!!
MOM2014-Hello. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I often think of all of you and check up on you and your progress. I am glad you are where you have been wanting to be. As far as feeling the baby and your progress. Enjoy every second of it. Truly a miracle and a blessing.
wannabeamommy- How is everything with you? Anything new with your progress. Hope all is well on your side.
Pepsgirl07- How are your twins? I hope and pray all is going great with you and the family.
I always think of everyone and pray everything works out for everyone.
As for myself and my husband we are ok . Day by day as that is all we can do. I have my moments but that is natural.
I just wanted to check in. I am so happy for all the good news.
Good Luck to everyone!! XOXO

9/2/2014 9:39 AM
Good Morning Ladies!

KanaJoy- CONGRATS!!!

9/2/2014 8:16 AM
Hi ladies,
To share an exciting moment, hopefully it will give hope....I have noticed that the baby's movements have increased..she moves alot or rather I feel it more now. Yesterday while laying in bed..awake just talking told DH that the movements are more now...I did not think he would feel them but he placed his hands on my belly anyway and waited and within a minute she made so many movements...we were so excited. I am 18w3d and really I have no idea when I will start showing..my husband's cousin is also expecting her first baby, she is 4 days ahed of me (so she is 19w0d) they still do not know we are expecting..her belly is big and showing. No one around us really know and even when I wear fitting dresses it does not show..yet I feel movements..Doctor says it is very normal and should not worry me.
So to my dear sisters...keep the hope and the fight and prayers...I still continue to pray about the pregnancy and for all those pregnant, all those cycling, all those considering other options and most of all those who have had losses. In my prayers always.
Lots of love

9/1/2014 8:52 PM
Congratulations KanaJoy!! Happy for you dear sister.

9/1/2014 11:20 AM
khayes ~ Thanks!!!

8/30/2014 12:23 PM
Kanajoy- Yeah!!!!! Miracles do happen! What wonderful news for the holiday weekend! I can't stop smiling for you. I'll keep praying too! Congratulations!!! Xo

8/30/2014 9:19 AM
Hi all ~ Well, miracles do happen. I had my first quant HCG yesterday and it was 148. To back up, that last IVF cycle only made 1 embryo, which amazingly made it to blast, but it was not normal. Thank goodness I thawed the 4 frozen ones we had with the first cycle, because that's where my normal was hanging out! God is good. I'll continue serial levels after the holiday weekend! Blessings to all. Know you're all always in my thoughts and prayers.

8/29/2014 8:58 AM
Khayes..yes one step closer..thinking of you and praying for you.
Wannabeamommy..how are you my sister? How is the progress?
Cann13, still in our minds and our hearts and praying for you.
KanaJoy...any news? 10 days (2ww) is up? No? Whenever you are reay to share..
Pepgirl07 how is the boy and girl doing? Kicking much?

I have not told people about our pregnancy yet...jus few family members (not even all know) so you ladies here are my family...and I feel safe here. We just kind of decided we will not tell people, we will let the pregnancy speak for itself. And the funny thing is that people have not noticed at all. There is just this fear that makes us hold back..and I know you gusy understand what I am talking about.

Love you all my dear sisters and hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

8/28/2014 4:36 PM
cann13 ~ I just wanted you to know that I think of you everyday, and I'm praying for you. (((Hugs)))

8/23/2014 10:25 PM
khayes ~ One step closer!!! I will keep you in my prayers as well. Thank you for your beautiful words.

8/23/2014 10:23 PM
2014Mom ~ Congratulations!!! So excited for you! I pray things continue to progress with ease!

8/23/2014 9:43 PM
2014mom- Congrats on the wonderful news of your baby girl! I pray that your fibroid pain continues to improve and that they stay quiet while your little girl continues to grow. All my best to everyone else as your pregnancies progress!

I also wanted to update you ladies on my situation. I had another hysteroscopy back in July and it went well. The doctor feels like they got all of the scar tissue which was contained to just the left upper corner of my uterus where my corneal pregnancy was. It seems improved after every surgery but this was the first time the doctor felt they got it all. She was very hopeful about our prognosis, but of course it all depends on how my lining looks after I'm finished the estrogen therapy for healing. Scar tissue could be gone but some of my endometrium could still be damaged and not regenerate. Please say a prayer for me as this has been over a 2 1/2 year process. I will know more how things look in Mid September and then possibly cycle again in October. I hope everyone else finds some enjoyment during these final days of summer!

I also want to give some thoughts for the ladies who have experienced recent losses. Please know that you continue to be in my daily prayers. As much as it pains us not to have our children physically here with us, I do believe there is a blessing for them as they truly got to experience a life of only love, both in our world and now in heaven. I believe their lives are truly gifts despite our burden of its brevity here on earth. With time, my pregnancy losses have brought me closer to God. My losses helped me to understand God's sacrifice in giving his only son for our sins in a way I could never have imagined before. I know his great love for me in a more tangible way than I have ever known. The miracle is that in return, I love myself and others more too. I pray you feel God's love and strength wrapped around you too at some point in your mourning process. We are all connected, but especially to those that have walked the same path. You are kindred spirits of mine. ((Big Hugs))

8/22/2014 6:45 PM
2014MOM: Congratulations on the baby girl news!!! That is awesome news. Glad to hear you are not experiencing any pains from the fibroid, I will continue to pray for you and your husband

8/22/2014 11:06 AM
Hello ladies,
News...praying that the fibroids will cool off and not trigger pre-mature labor. So far no pains. And in lighter news I see a lot of pink in my life

8/20/2014 9:05 AM
@KanaJoy...very nice to hear about your tranfer! All the best in the 2ww..counting and waiting with you and wishing the trooper embroy all the best as well.

@Pepsgirl I am 17 weeks, I think I started feeling the movements at 15 or 16 but did not just stop to think that it could be the baby...it became more real few days ago..and now I have started paying more attention. It is just weird to DH and I beause my tummy does not show anything at all...my aunt is a nurse who works in Labor and delivery and she had no idea I was pregnant until I told her...you would thin she would be the first to know. Then saw this lady friend of mine who is also 17 weeks, she is showing 100% her tummy is big..my consolation is that this is her second child. The doctor said it is very normal and I should not worry at all..infact she laughed..and said I am likely to start showing at 24 weeks. But my consolation is when I touch my belly there is a definate swell and lift..
I will be going back on friday so they can check on the fibroid..i drink 5 liters on water daily...that has helped drastically with the pains. Hopefully your fibroid does not grow..coz it gets really painful..

8/19/2014 6:12 PM
Good Afternoon ladies:

I have been off the radar lately things have been really crazy. On Sunday I hit 20 weeks!!! We had a complete anatomical evaluations of the babies and everything is looking good. The doctors did want me to know I have a fibroid growing on the outside of my uterus in the top so as long as it does not grow a vaginal delivery is still possible. I was expecting to feel alot more movement from the twins by now but when we do the ultrasounds they are kicking, rolling and moving up a storm. Every night my husband puts his ear to my belly (that is getting really big already) and listens and can hear the bubbling, sucking type noises and everyone in a while I get a sharp twinge or flutters. Overall, we are doing well and continuing to grow.

KanaJoy: Glad to hear that your transfer went welll today!!! Make sure to relax and not to overthink. It only takes 1 egg to make a healthy baby, and God is working in your favor. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you and your husband.

2014MoM: How far along are you now?? Movement is the best thing you can experience in pregnanacy besides birth, or that is what all my friends say. Glad to hear that your pregnancy has been going well. As for the fibroid I am with you if I have to have a C-section I am okay with that just to get my babies into the world safely. Keep us posted.

Wannabeamommy: Your HSG will go smoothly. There is no need to be nervous, just keep in your focus 1 healthy baby in your future and we can overcome anything.

I really am glad to see everyone moving in the right steps on this very long journey to motherhood. I will try to be better about keeping in touch!!! Good Luck to everyone on their journeys and lots of baby dust blowing your way

8/19/2014 4:43 PM
Hi Ladies,

Just up from a nap. That 10mg of Valium does me in! I'm such a cheap date!

Well, of the 2 embryos, 1 was normal! Wow! I think we should buy a lottery ticket today! So yes, I had a transfer this morning. Now I'm just trying to lay low and pray this baby latches on to my uterus.

The single embryo we had from this retrieval is a fighter! It has also grown into a beautiful 5BA blast! That means it already started to hatch on its own and they were able to get a biopsy today! This one will have to be frozen, but if it's normal can be used later. Keep those good vibes and prayers coming ladies, because they're working! XOXO

8/19/2014 3:02 PM
Yes, I feel movements and at first I was thought it was muscle spasm then it became more aparent that it is the movements in the womb. When I lay down I feel a bumb but then I stand the bumb is not there. DH and I even use a tape measure to check the waist size..nothing yet.

Yes, those are many things you have had done but we do all that we can for our kids. This statment is so true from the moment one decides to have a baby, they do all it takes. So I understand it is lots of tests, lots of agony, pain, money, time, frustrations but we all will do it over and over and over again so long us we get a healthy kid. Wishing you the best dearest, you really are a trooper not only for yourself but for the ladies in this forum. With each test and test results you get, you are one step closer to realizing your dream. Hugs and kisses

8/19/2014 2:39 PM
2014Mom, that's good to hear that these fibroids are of minimal concern. I don't blame you to welcome the c-section and any pains from here on our as long as the baby is doing well. I think at this point, we are so used to the aches, pains and invasive procedures associated with IVF that we can handle anything that comes our way. Good luck and I'm happy to hear that you will know what you're having very soon. I'm impressed that you feel movement and haven't started showing. I thought you didn't feel anything until the baby was a little bigger. I have a little belly pouch and wish I could attribute it to baby bump but it's just fat. Lol. Soon enough, God willing, I will blame baby for the bump.

I need to have the HSG test before we go through another FET to rule out any funny business in my uterus. I had one about 1 1/2 years ago. I had fibroids and those were removed. I've had, thus far, 3 hysteroscopies in under 2 years to remove uterine polyps/fibroids. After my last one and before my last FET, I had fluid in my uterus and that was removed as well. So, I guess the RE wants to make sure everything is completely clear to move forward. Honestly, I don't know if I am more nervous to have this test or for the results. In my gut, I have a strong feeling that I will be ok but to find that out, I know it will be painful. Once again, I will go through anything as long as I could get pregnant and have a healthy baby!

8/19/2014 2:21 PM
Wannabeamommy, thanks for checking up. The doctors (saw two) are not worried because the fibroid is outside the uterous. One Doctor told me her only concern is that if it does not stop growing I may end up needing a c-section. Been drinking lots of water (an ocean aday) and that has drastically helped out with the pain. I go again for an US this Friday so they can check the size and may end up having lots of US depending on how the fibroid is coming along. I will take the pain and the C-section so long as I have a healthy baby...
Any small pain I get, I panic and weird feeling I get I panic...indeed it is a journey....on the bright side Lately I have been feeling the baby's movments (quickening) and it is amazing. My stomach still flat as pancake and I can't wait for it to grow. We find out the sex in 2-3 weeks.

So after your AF will you start preparing the uterous to receive embryos? Is that the plan?

@KanaJoy...waiting to hear from you dear.

8/19/2014 11:03 AM
KanaJoy, good to hear that you are moving forward. I know that you have been through so much and I often think of you and cann13. I'm hoping and praying the testing done on your two embryos were all with good results. This entire hourney is filled with "ifs" but if we don't do it, our lives would also be filled with "ifs." I really have to give us all kuddos for not giving up on our dreams of mommyhood! All the best to you, your husband, and embryos for this morning's transfer.

2014Mom, is the fibroid anything serious that you should be concerned about? By what you posted, it seems like the doctor's are not worried. Blessings to you and the baby for a smooth 9 months. My cousin had a fibroid that was growing along with the baby. He was born healthy without incident. She then had to wait a couple months to have the fibroid removed. So, no worries, all will be well!
XOXO

I wish I could say that I had an update but there is none really. I stopped the BCP this past Saturday and I'm just waiting on my period to begin so I could have the HCG done. Then, depending on the results, we will proceed with the next step. Asking for prayers as well!

Have a wonderful day ladies!

8/19/2014 9:39 AM
Good luck KanaJoy, thinking of you and praying for you.

8/18/2014 9:27 PM
I'm praying for you Kanajoy! Every cycle is different. I've had some with 5 & others with 10, both with low & high dose stims. But it only takes one & quality is more important than quantity. Good luck sweetie!!! you have all my support & positive energy vibing your way

8/18/2014 8:25 PM
Update on me:

Well, this was definitely not the best IVF cycle. Unfortunately, I think I stimmed too fast, and they were only able to retrieve 5 eggs this time, of which only 3 were mature, and of which only 1 fertilized. Amazingly enough, that single embryo is still kicking. Unfortunately, it's not quite a blast yet, so they couldn't biopsy it for (PGD/PGS) testing. As my hormone levels behaved themselves this time, we didn't want to wast this perfect lining I have, so this morning they thawed my 4 frozen embryos. Unfortunately, only 2 survived the thaw, but they did biopsy those 2. I'm to show up tomorrow morning for an embryo transfer, but we won't get the results of the PGD/PGS testing until we get there. If there is a normal, they will transfer it tomorrow. A whole lot of IFs, but you never know.

A background, last IVF cycle, I stimmed really slowly (11 days) but my body seemed to like it that way. They retrieved 14 eggs, 10 were mature, 9 fertilized, and 6 made it to blast stage. They were frozen because I went in to OHSS. I then had a FET about a month and a half later. The 2 embryos they thawed survived and were transferred. I achieved pregnancy with twins, but unfortunately this ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks. This was my second try with IVF.

I'll let you all know what happens tomorrow. Say a prayer for me tonight! Thanks!

8/14/2014 1:32 PM
@KanaJoy, is to day the ER? Wishing you all the best!!!

So my pain is being caused by a degenerating fibroid...nothing much can be done other then tylenol and plenty of water.

8/12/2014 9:12 PM
cann13 ~ What a small world! My whole family is now in Florida except me, but they're all from here. Where in FL are you?

I understand having a tough time with God. We wouldn't be human if we didn't struggle. It's ok. Question. Remember it's normal and all part of grieving. I struggled too, but I found my greatest comfort in the same one I questioned eventually as well. I'm not sure if you ever read blogs, but I have written a little bit at one called coalescedreverie. I share a bit more of my story there. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you feel the love...

8/12/2014 8:59 PM
wanttobeamommy ~ How are you doing? I agree it would be sweet to meet each other, as we've touched each other's lives in such an intimate way. We do have some family and close friends in the L.A. area. I'll have to remember this if I ever make it out that way! We are all in this together, and I'm grateful for you all in my life who understand what going through infertility means.

8/12/2014 8:49 PM
2014Mom ~ Yep! In fact I'm done with stim. Triggered last night and my retrieval is tomorrow morning! Boy, that was fast! You are too sweet. You never know, maybe someday we will all meet!

8/12/2014 2:07 PM
@cann13, we all question God, why this why that how could you...but He is the same one we go to when we want/need something. It is normal to question, just do not lose faith nor hope. Certain things in life we will never ever understand...why all of us here are struggling to be mothers when just in the news the other day a teenager suffocated her 8 month old baby because she was tired of taking care of him...something are not meant to be understood, they are just meant to give us hope and make us stronger.

@wannabeamommy...searching for a doctor is a project..I have been looking for doctors for almost 2 months now. I wish you the best and hope you find one who will treat you with lots of tender love and care..coz buoy don't we need that.

On my end...ever day is different, I get headaches one day the next day pelvic pains..Today I have been having pelvic pains for a long time...I do not know if this is normal. Is it? Just for precaution I called my doctor and waiting to hear back from her. Are pelvic pains normal during pregnancy? Does anyone know?

8/12/2014 11:37 AM
cann13, one day at a time is all you can do, sweetie. I completely understand how you feel toward God. I have had my ups and downs with that too. I was very committed to my prayers and attending mass every Sunday but after these disappointments, you lose hope. You are completely right, it just doesn't seem fair! We get so close to what we have been praying for and in a heartbeat, it is taken away. It's perfectly normal to go through this anger stage. I read through this website to refresh my memory about how to deal with my grieving. This website goes through the 5 stages of grief.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

Have a good day and sending you lots of peace!

8/12/2014 11:18 AM
Good Morning all.
2014MOM thank you. I am just taking it one day at a time. Hoping and praying it will get just a tad bit easier each step of the way.

Kanajoy- Thanks for the hugs. Thats funny I am originally from Chicago myself. Born and raised. My WHOLE family is out there, but my mother and I moved to Florida when I was 13 where I still live now. Chicago is a beautiful city, I just can not do the winters there anymore. LOL. How are your injections going? I pray everything works out for you and everyone else on this journey. I pray that one day we can start treatment with great results.
I know its said that God only give us what we can handle, but..... we have all been thru SO much. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.Especially now with Chase being gone. Its like he gave us our beautiful baby boy we have been wanting then he took him back. Just doesn't seem fair.I'm having a really hard time with God right now I am so upset and I hope that I can keep my faith. Its hard.
Wannabeamommy- I am sorry about your beta. I am happy to hear you are not giving up and will be trying again. You are in my thoughts all the time.
I hope you all have a great day!! Best of luck to all

8/12/2014 11:18 AM
2014Mom, I'm doing ok, thank you. How are you doing? I'm currently searching for a new primary to be able to go to the Ob/Gyn my RE has recommended. It's not easy finding one! I have read nothing but bad reviews for those coming up on my insurance portal. I think we will be holding off one month until I have this doctor thing sorted out.


KanaJoy, thank you for being such a strong and positive role model to us all. You have been through hell and back and still keeping the faith. I wish we could all be in the same state/city to be able to have our little group meet. I'm in California, Los Angeles area.

LuckyCharm, I am so sorry to hear of the failed cycle. It's heart-breaking, I know, but you can pick yourself up again! We are in this journey together, my friend...keep your chin up and never give up. I know it's not easy but if we have come this far, can't throw in the towel! XOXO


cann13, I am so very sorry to hear of this hurt you are going through. I can't help but shed tears when I hear what you are going through. I am actually very proud of you for being as strong as you are. It's ok to have your moments of weakness and sleepless nights are justified given what you have gone through. I'm glad that your husband has been very supportive of you...they are our saving grace. They can pick us up when we hit rock bottom. Know that you are not alone in this and many of us also share your pain. Take your time and when you are ready, physically and mentally try again. I have heard so many success stories after losses as these, so don't give up on your dream.

Baby dust, hope and blessings to you all!



8/12/2014 8:54 AM
Hello ladies,
@pepsgirl07 how nice, a boy and a girl! Good to hear things are well with you.

@luckycharm, so sorry that the beta went down, in my thoughts and prayers.

@Cann13, very glad to hear from you, and it is good to know that you have the support around you. Take all the time you need to grieve and with time, you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so sorry and so sad that you are going through this, time is a healer. Give time, time.

@wannabeamommy how are you doing?

@KanaJoy..girl you just ooze wisdom, you poem was really nice and touching. I always think of you as a big sister I never had...or seen..thanks for the support you show all of us in here. Have you started stims yet? Wishing you the best.

lots of love and baby dust to all ladies.

8/11/2014 10:57 PM
LuckyCharm ~ I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you.

8/11/2014 10:53 PM
cann13 ~ So good to hear from you. You've been in my heart and on my mind. I'm so glad you were able to see Chase and remember him as beautiful. I was just telling my best friend your story today, and here you are. You are grieving...so grieve. Know that you are not alone. I'm so glad you have a support system of family and friends to support you as well.

I can not say I "know" how you feel, but I know what I felt. "Rock me, Rock me" came with a tune that I would sing to myself over and over as I cried, and somehow it always calmed me. A poem, a song, and a prayer all in one. I would like to hug you too, so (((hugs))). I'm in Chicago. Are you comfortable saying where you're from?

8/11/2014 9:02 PM
Kanajoy: You're so sweet. Thank you.

Well, IVF #2 has failed. I got my 2nd beta last Thursday and it went up about 5 to 22. Had another draw today and it was down to 14.9. I hadn't allowed myself to get excited because I just knew in my heart it wasn't going to work from that first beta.

I don't know anymore. I just need time to regroup and rethink some things.

Bless you all. May all your wishes come true.

8/11/2014 8:58 PM
Hello Ladies. I just wanted to check in as i know a few of you have reached out to me. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. We are doing as best as expected. I have my moments mostly at nights I can't sleep and find myself thinking too much and crying almost the whole night. I know it is going to take time, or so everyone says. Right now...I don't see the light at the end of this dark dark empty cold lonely tunnel. My husband right now is my safety blanket. I don't know where I would be without him.
Last Monday the 4th we held a memorial for our baby boy.I never shared with you all but his name was Chase Jeremiah. We felt so much love that day. We are truly blessed with great supportive family and friends. It was VERY hard having to walk in and knowing our baby was in that tiny coffin, but we did get to see him one last time and he looked even more beautiful than we remembered him at the hospital. So at peace and angelic, it made us feel better to see him at peace.
Kanajoy- I wanted to give you a HUGE thank you and I wish I could hug you. I was not going to speak at the memorial because I didn't think I would even be able to stand.I almost passed out just walking in the funeral home to make arrangements. However, when I read your poem it spoke to me. You took every feeling I had and put it into that poem. As I listened to everyone talk about how much they love Chase and us I knew I had to let out how I felt. So I read your poem and everyone loved it as well. Thank you so much!! You helped me say what I needed to say to everyone and Chase.
As of right now we would love to try again to have our baby, but as we all know its not that easy. Mentally I am not ready to go thru everything not to mention financially. We are still paying our first treatment.
I wish you all the best lots of prayers as I ask for prayers. I need strength and I feel weak right now, not myself.
Lots of love to you all!XOXO

8/10/2014 9:32 PM
LuckyCharm ~ How are you? Just want you to know you're in my thoughts.

8/6/2014 10:21 AM
Hello Ladies,

Just wanted to check in before I leave for vacation!!

Lucky, breathe, but be cautious, they also did your test a day early, so hopefully when you go back your numbers will double or triple. If they don't double then, worry. For right now just have faith. I know totally what that is like, it has happed to us the last three times. I had a 3, but knew I wasn't I was bleed like crazy, 14 that dropped two days later and a 19.6 that rose to 35 and then dropped to 29 a week later. It is heart retching, but I am hoping it works out.

Pepsi, we haven't started yet, we will be starting my 10th IVF in October, we don't have 10 eggs.. LOL!!!

I wish every one the best. Hugs and baby dust to all. Off to ride roller coasters and have rum runners on the beach!!!!

8/5/2014 8:26 PM
hello everyone to be mommy and soon will be mom best wish for you all

8/5/2014 8:00 PM
Hi Everyone,

Wanted to give you all an update. I know we're not supposed to do HPTs during the 2ww, but I think this whole baby making thing has made me clinically insane. I had a bag of the cheap wondfo's and 2 clear blues from last year when we were still trying naturally. So, I started testing 4dpt, twice a day and sometimes three times a day. I know, I know -- I just couldn't help myself. The tests were pretty much stark white until the morning of 6dpt. I saw a very, very faint line. That evening same thing, just a bit lighter. Next day, there were lines, but they were the kind that you had to hold up to certain light to see. At this point, I didn't know what to think. 8dpt, I get another line like 6dpt and then barely there lines up until this morning. These were all with the wondfo tests. I confirmed with the clear blue tests and those too were very faint positives.

So I called my doctor yesterday to explain the tests and they suggested doing the beta today rather than Thursday. I have been a nervous wreck and have been feeling like it's not going to work. I mean, surely those HPTs should be obvious by now 10dpt. Anyway, I finally get the call this afternoon and the nurse tells me that my beta was 16.9. My heart sank. That is really low. I want to be happy but I'm really quite sad. I asked her about the number and all she said was that they consider anything above a 5 positive. She wouldn't confirm anything about the number being low, but I could hear it in her voice. So, I'll be back for another beta on Thurs.

I'm very much trying to be realistic here. My mind keeps telling me this just can't end well. I feel like I should be thrilled that I actually got a positive result, but I'm not feeling it. Will keep everyone posted.

Hope everyone is doing well.
xoxox

8/5/2014 1:12 PM
Good morning ladies: Thought I would provide an update. We had an appointment last Wednsday 07/30 and everything so far with the babies is going good. We were able to find out the sexes of the babies as well. We are expecting a little boy and a little girl We could not be more happy. Lots of appointments coming up though.

KanaJoy - glad to hear you are starting again, make sure to stay calm and positive. This time it will work for you Keep us posted on your progress.

LuckyCharm - The 2WW is the longest, most hardest time in this process I think. You are waiting for some sign or symptom to tell you, you are pregnant. I did not have any symptoms during the 2WW or the 1st trimester, so don't look for anything because it doesn't necessarily mean you are or are not pregnant. Only 2 more days to go!!

NWells - Welcome back...It is great news that you have 10 eggs to work with on this go round. It is really a positive start, just keep that in mind.

Wanttobeamommy - How are you doing lady??? Just have been thinking about you alot and wanted to let you know I was thinking about you

To all the ladies, have a great day

8/4/2014 11:01 PM
Ok. Take 2. Just an update, I started shooting up today for another round. Thinking of you all and hope you're finding the calm and comfort you need.
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